Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

%% 4ATZC5FD ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "In my short stay I realized that without a deep understanding of human psychology, without the acceptance that we are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally driven animals, all the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating." (p. 13 | 21-09-2023) %%end%%

%% D5HJ5WNJ ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "Their system was easy to follow and seductive, with four basic tenets. One, separate the person—the emotion—from the problem; two, don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position (what they’re asking for) but instead focus on their interests (why they’re asking for it) so that you can find what they really want; three, work cooperatively to generate win-win options; and, four, establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions." (p. 15 | 21-09-2023) %%end%%

%% 2QJXWKLT ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "“How am I supposed to do that?”" (p. 17 | 21-09-2023) Note: hoe zie je dat voor je, of hoe zou dat moeten werken %%end%%

%% J5UIY3OS ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "Then, after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect:“What about this doesn’t work for you?”“What would you need to make it work?”“It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.”People have a need to say, “No.” So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early." (p. 68 | 21-09-2023) Note: what to say after a no %%end%%

%% LS72M4JA ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "I wrote a two-page document that instructed Benjie to change course. We were going to use nearly every tactic in the active listening arsenal:1.Effective Pauses: Silence is powerful. We told Benjie to use it for emphasis, to encourage Sabaya to keep talking until eventually, like clearing out a swamp, the emotions were drained from the dialogue.2.Minimal Encouragers: Besides silence, we instructed using simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see,” to effectively convey that Benjie was now paying full attention to Sabaya and all he had to say.3.Mirroring: Rather than argue with Sabaya and try to separate Schilling from the “war damages,” Benjie would listen and repeat back what Sabaya said.4.Labeling: Benjie should give Sabaya’s feelings a name and identify with how he felt. “It all seems so tragically unfair, I can now see why you sound so angry.”5.Paraphrase: Benjie should repeat what Sabaya is saying back to him in Benjie’s own words. This, we told him, would powerfully show him you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting his concerns.6.Summarize: A good summary is the combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary). We told Benjie he needed to listen and repeat the “world according to Abu Sabaya.” He needed to fully and completely summarize all the nonsense that Sabaya had come up with about war damages and fishing rights and five hundred years of oppression. And once he did that fully and completely, the only possible response for Sabaya, and anyone faced with a good summary, would be “that’s right." (p. 86 | 21-09-2023) Note: summary of useful tactics %%end%%

%% 2RAP2PLJ ts: 2023-09-21T15:38:46Z %% "situation:■What about this is important to you?■How can I help to make this better for us?■How would you like me to proceed?■What is it that brought us into this situation?■How can we solve this problem?■What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?■How am I supposed to do that?" (p. 127 | 21-09-2023) Note: good open ended calibrated uestions %%end%%